Emotional Drop

I have much better things to do right now, in fact, I should be doing better things right now. I was buried straight into work piled up over the weekend. And suddenly it hit me. I have conversations with myself inside of my head. no one knows what I'm saying. And I get into a huge emotional frenzy, all alone. If you ask me, it's pretty scary. Could you imagine you sitting beside a stranger and all of a sudden, he/she starts feeling angry and such. I would freak out so bad.

If the person wasn't me.

Too many times, I catch myself being caught in a situation where I'm pissed/mad/angry. But I can't give a reason for what happened. I think it's turning into a problem soon.  I feel tired, I'm worn out. Looks aside, I'm always 'the person to hang out with'. I'm so full of shit, sometimes I laugh at myself, in my own face. Really, I'm tired. Is it the constant thought for others that lead me to expect more from everyone? Is it 'cause I'm always suggesting better things for people that I wished for someone to do the same too?

As of late, the boyfriend has asked once too many times 'Are you ok?' I really wanna scream my lungs out at him. Which part of me do I look NOT ok? Why would I not be ok? I'm the most ok person around. Then I realized, I think I'm not. I could only nod in response.

Knowing me, I'm someone who is gonna fight for my rights till my dying breathe. For the umpteenth time ever, I HATE taking the blame for things I did but didn't go the way it's supposed to. I mean, I don't mind being the one to tie up the loose ends. Eg. If there's a piece of litter along the corridor, my boss asks who threw it and no one owes up? I don't mind taking the walk of shame to pick it up and throw even if I'm not the one who did it. But I REALLY HATE it when specified instructions were given and I did what I was told, but things just didn't happen the way it was supposed to be!

What the shit, if boss asked me to pass a document to B so that he can pass to A, it's not within my means if B passed it to ANOTHER person, C to deliver it to A? I couldn't have known he's gonna pass it to another person right? 

I know better than anyone, I'm no one to stop people from talking shit. At least practice some sense of discretion yes? NO. Apparently not, DISCRETION IS DEAD. Yes, fucking quote me on that. Right, not like I'm about to be mega best friends with anyone around, STILL? Don't have to say it in my face right?

I know, like, major what the fuck. I'm always feeling so angry towards trivial things. I really just wanna have my blanket over my head, curl up in bed and block the world away from myself. I swear this is the major kinda Sucks. It always dawn on me that I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough.

Why am I always the second to best?

Life goes on.