I should've...

There are times that really sucks.

When it's a tough period in the fammy. And you are always having selfish thoughts in your head. And there's a thousand and one things I would have screamed in my mum's face. But I'm too weak to say it out. There's so much I wanna let her know.

Worse. Realizing what you thought you left behind in your memories come back haunting at random times. Thinking that you were already beyond all that but it still hurts. Places and memories are 2 fucked up things that doesn't change. Even if people you were with did. No matter how over we are over some issues, there are bound to be things that remind. Things that jolt back the pain altogether.

During such instances, it's uncontrollable.
It's unbearable.

And above all, I should've known it better than anyone else.

I should have seen the telltale signs of the whole evening, the whole place, the whole idea. I don't like it. I don't like to be the one being left behind with so many questions that no one can answer. I hate feeling like suddenly, I'm left with me. Just me alone. I realized, I need to control the socialite in me. I don't wanna know what its like being left behind, ever again.

And at times as such, I'm thankful. I'm really thankful for you, Elaine. For always being with me through it all. For knowing what's on my mind without me saying it out. It's like, you're really the sister that I never had. We are so alike in so many ways. There's endless of joy being with you. Between us, more than half of the conversations is filled with hehes and hahas but we know. I know what you wanna say. I know. Sometimes, you behave like the older one talking mad sense into my stubborn head. A girlfriend like you, seriously. I think we did too much shit in our younger days, then fate have it that we meet to tio back from each other. I love you.

And for T, reallllyyyyyyy. Changed my impression. I for real, swear that I would never ever in a billion years thought that you would do what you did. You're already like an older brother, quite an annoying one at that. I really don't know what to say. I'm amazed. You're such an interesting seahorse. I'm really glad J have you as a bestfriend.

On a seriouser note, I think I wouldn't have known what to do if both of you weren't there. I'll be like a lost sheep just, being lost. Really, what both of you did already reached the level beyond what normal friends would have done. You both are such awesome pocket bunnies!

To the mother, and the boyfriend,


I'm serious.
I'm born to a mother, I cant choose my mum, but I can change her life, make her everyday. It's been hard on her keeping the fammy and dedicating her youth and effort for us. There are a lot of things I wish I have the courage to say to her. And above all, I wanna tell her that I'll always be her ahgirl. Nothing is gonna change that and no one is ever gonna take me away from her.

J, you are already you when I fell in love with you. I cannot control what's happening in your mind, and you cannot control feelings. I just wanna tell you that I love you. I really, really love you a lot. I am willing to give everything just to let you know, just to reassure you that you'll always have the whole of me, the throne in my heart and every bit of free space in my head. Please know that whatever that's happened, happening or going to happen. I'll always love you more than yesterday. I really know that I mean something to you, and I don't ever wanna lose this. I love you, my best boy ever.

Aiya fugging weak. Typing this post makes me tear.
=')

Feeling a lot of love.